Testify
I’m not brave. Let’s make this clear. I’ve never been brave. From my childhood friend Laurie who trudged home in silent disgust with me one winter’s day when I refused to slide head first down a huge snowbank into a concrete parking lot, to the eighth grade science teacher who shouted “wussy wussy wussy” at me when I admitted to my fear of hornets during an entomology class, to a former boss who used to watch me looking out my office window at snow covered roads and say ‘oooh scary scary snow for your ride home!,” I’ve always been pretty easy game for people who loved to point out my fears and weaknesses. Time and age have helped me get over some of them. I don’t run away from bees anymore, and I can almost sleep through a thunderstorm, and a good solid four-wheel drive jeep has helped with the snow driving issue. But I’m far from considering myself brave.
This week I’ll have to dig deeper and harder than ever to find an ounce of bravery to do something that terrifies me- testifying before a legislative committee about my marriage. Yes, a mere four months after Kelly and I said our I-dos, ate cake, danced to “My Girl,” and opened gifts at our wedding, a series of bills is threatening our marriage. Our marriage. Our hum drum normal, tacos-on-Tuesday, Glee on the DVR, homework over the kitchen table, did you feed the cats yet, family life is apparently so deeply offensive to certain members of our state legislature that they not only want to repeal the law that allows for marriage equality but also to pass another law defining marriage as being only between a man and a woman. In short not only would no other same sex couples be able to marry but my marriage would be…. null. And that makes me angry. And when I get angry… I… cry. Ok that’s sort of embarrassing and undermines any ounce of credibility I can hope to have. But anger can also make me brave and I’m counting on the bravery part to over ride the crying part on Thursday morning when I will join with others to testify that marriage equality should remain legal in New Hampshire. And I’m terrified. I’m terrified of what the opposition will say. I’m terrified of crying and making a fool out of myself when I try to explain what it means to me to be married to the woman I love more than life itself. What it means to sit with my wife and daughter over Sunday night chicken dinners and know that this family is whole and healthy and legally recognized the same way as everyone else’s family. I’m afraid that somehow by testifying I’m opening my family up to hate and bigotry that we’ve never had to face before. I’m so angry that it has come to this at a time when our state and our country have so many real problems, and yet have the time and energy to create a problem out of people loving each other. There is a not-small part of me that wants to ignore these hearings, stay home or at my desk and pretend it’s not happening, leave the rallying and gathering and testifying to others better suited to it than I, people used to the political arena, people who are brave.
But I know that this is something I have to do. I have to do it for my family, for my friends who celebrated their own marriages and the births of babies this year, for my daughter’s young teenage friends who excitedly told me about “straight ally’ week at their high school and complimented me on the HRC sticker on my jeep. For the friends and family who danced at our wedding wearing ‘I like girls who like girls t-shirts.’ For the maitre’d at the restaurant Monday night who congratulated us on our first married Valentine’s Day. For the pride I hear in Kelly’s voice when she refers to Liza as her stepdaughter. I won’t lie. I’m still scared. But I’m hoping if I carry these memories and these voices with me that maybe I’ll find a way to be brave. And I’ll do what I have to do.
Testify.
May I repost this to my blog?
Of course my friend I’d be honored- and I’ll ask Tara (who set up my blog) how to add yours to my blogroll..;-)
Having been privy to the confessional narratives so superbly contained within your essays, where you’ve charted the course from lonely fat girl to an empowered, passionate, empathic, brilliant, snarky, accomplished gay woman with a career, a family, and a talent for plumbing the dark recesses within the well of her emotions and bringing them up to the light to share with the world through her writing, and who stands up not because she has to, but to do otherwise is unthinkable…. I’d have to say you’re one of the bravest people I know.
And one of my few heroes.
Thank you.
oh Michael…thank you… you make me cry… stop that
Preach it, sister!!! Thank you for your wisdom. I find you utterly fearless – so you should just tell yourself that when you go to testify. “LiturgyGeek thinks I’m fearless and she works for JESUS, so she should know.”
(Also, I adore this picture of you. I think you’re stunning on the outside, too. Thanks for being a great friend and an inspiration.)
Beautiful as usual. Love it, and love you, and I shared it on FB. And you are certainly brave. Braver than most ever dare hope to be.
I found your post from Sara S’s facebook status. I hope that when you testify, you’ll feel the love and support of all who love you as well as people who believe in what you stand for, even though we have never met. May that love and support guide your words and give you strength. Good luck!
Testify, my dear friend! Testify! Totally reposting this on FB.
Love this essay, Katie! You go! Speak truth to power with boldness, knowing that you are right. I hope some of your sassiness gets through all the fierceness.
A moving beautiful post? Blessing and congratulations on your marriage. Good luck when u testify, may they hear the truth you go to share
I cry too when I’m really, really angry. (Makes being told you don’t qualify for that raise, when you DO, inconvenient!) But, you can do this. You can get up, make it your stage, and declaim the truth to the world. I really can’t see why what you and Kelly have (and so many of my other friends have) is so threatening to some people. Because the reality is so, well, normal. And, beautiful. xoxo
Good luck with your testimony this week. This is stupid, but sometimes when I’m nervous about doing something and feel like just giving it up because I’m not required by work or law or whatever, what forces me to do it is thinking about the story I’ll get to tell later about it.
I’m with you about the anger-crying. I really really hate that — it’s a lack of control thing. When I feel like I have no control over an important situation I can’t stop the tears. It’s so frustrating but I hope what comes across, in some cases, is how passionate I feel about whatever it is I’m trying to fight. If you break into tears just keep that in mind.
Good luck and strength. I can’t wait to hear how it goes.
Beautiful as usual, Katie. I hope they will listen to you. I was in tears reading this, so no surprise that you might be in tears talking about it. Love and prayers for strength to you as you testify.
Katie – I’m not sure if I am brave or crazy; but my thoughts and prayers – and whatever encouragement you need is with you! You CAN do this.
Wonderful post and you will be great on Thursday – know you are not alone, many people will be there with you in spirit
A friend posted this on her FB page and I LOVE it. My partner and I lived in NH for 6 years it’s where our twins were born and where we had our commitment ceremony before it was “legal”. I so appreciate your comment about your hum drum normal family life because that’s how I feel about ours too. I just don’t get what is so threatening about it. I’m going to share the link from my friend’s page on my FB page. Thank you and keep on doing what you are doing.
Good luck tomorrow! You’re a powerful woman with a powerful statement, and have lots and lots of people behind you. Your family sounds beautiful!
Go get ‘em!
Ah honey – first off – now I know why I stopped getting your blog in my feed!! I thought you just hadn’t written in ages due to fingers freezing off in the cold winter
)
Secondly – the other night I was having a deep conversation with Marcus and I started crying – not out of sadness or anything – it’s just that tears involuntarily flow when anything gets remotely deep!
So, I shall be standing there with you handing you virtual tissues and wishing you all the courage in the planet. Which you have. In spades. You just need to believe that.
HUGS
I found your post through my friend, Kristie Valentine. Your bravery may open you up to harsher criticisms, but I hope it will also open you up to unimaginable support. I’m a straight ally in Texas and will with be sending my thoughts, prayers, and best wishes to you and others as you boldly defend the rights that are so easily taken for granted by so many. I pray that God will help those listening hear your words and intentions in a way that makes sense to them, even if your emotions betray you.
God bless you and your family. I’m hopeful one day we will look back on these times with shaking heads and wonder what took us so long to make things right.
Katie, you are amazing. I’m going to repost this on my FB status so that my many New England friends can stand with you in unity. I hope that you can feel that so many people are pulling for you, and it gives you the strength to hold your head high while testifying. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. These people who are so threatened by you & Kelly and so many others like you? They do.
Hi Katie, you don’t know me but a friend posted your blog post on Facebook today. I just wanted to say that there are a lot of folks in NH who do support your family and your right to stay married. Thank you for testifying tomorrow and speaking for so many others who can’t. If your ability to speak is anything remotely like your writing, you are sure to make a powerful statement tomorrow. Good luck and many, many happy years of marriage to you and Kelly.
I hope some of your comments will be part of your testimony, Katie. So beautifully put.
Having sat in the gallery the entire day of the vote that gloriously went the right way, I’m crushed that we’re back to defending a basic civil right.
I, and many others who have had the pleasure of long marriages because we’re heterosexual, will be there. We’re ready to be counted among the majority (yes, majority) of NH citizens who support same sex marriage.
Gerri
Will be thinking of you Thursday, Katie
Rock ‘em, sock ‘em, Testify!
Your strength will come from all who know and love you. Your bravery will come from within…yes it’s already there just let it come forth.
Go get ‘em girlfriend!
This is badass. May I repost? And put this on my FB? And tatoo it on the foreheads of every bonehead state legislator who ignores the overwhelming majority of NH citizens who say the JUST DON’T FREAKING CARE ABOUT THIS?
You go Katie and you tell ‘em with your brave self. ‘Cause you’re uber brave, my dear.
Hi Katie. I don’t know you, and this is the first time I have read your blog. I arrived here via Jeanine Tousignant’s FB page. I want you to know that I will be praying for you as you testify. Good for you for being brave enough to stand up and defend something that should never, ever need to be defended! Good luck! (And I agree wholeheartedly with LiturgyGeek, and I am a minister, so that makes TWO people who work for Jesus who think you are fearless!)
Katie I’m reading this through Suzanne’s link. I just want to say, you go girl! It is so amazing to me that this is an issue but I know that one day it won’t be. And those people down the road who don’t have to fight like you do, will have to thank people like you who did fight. I have to say, your gay marriage sounds a whole lot more “real” than my straight one. I don’t know you, but I will be thinking of you and your battle.
Thinking of you all and supporting you from Virginia! Sending love!
Katie, I don’t know you well, you are a friend of a friend, but I want you to know that I think this post is absolutely fantastic and says what needs to be said so very well. I know it is scary when the bigots are out in force but I think they may be in the minority even now and I KNOW they are going to be on the wrong side of history. But of course that doesn’t help you now when your family is threatened. I just wanted you to know that out there in the world are so very many people who think that it is fantastic that you were able to marry your wife and felt so much pride to be from NH when we legalized same sex marriage and will fight for you and your family and make sure that the bigots don’t win.
Beautiful post, Katie. I am cheering you on this morning! I know you will be perfect in what you say and how you say.
[...] Katie’s permission, I’m reposting her blog entry from Tuesday. I hope everyone sends her thoughts of strength this morning, as she stands up for [...]
Katie: You are an inspiration!
Steve- thank you so much for reading and commenting!
I was linked here by a friend and want to thank you for your bravery. Best of luck to you, and I can’t wait to come back and read about your testimony
We don’t know one another and I found my way here via a tweet from one of the people I follow, and I wanted to say I think you are very brave. To do something that makes you afraid, and do it anyway, well, that’s my definition of bravery.
I’m a straight gal, married to her college sweetheart for nearly 23 years. I have *never* understood the argument that same-sex marriage undermines my relationship. It, and all the other arguments that stand in the way of basic civil rights are nonsensical.
This is a poem I wrote for our friends Alan and Paul when they were planning their marriage:
The Eleventh Commandment was to Love
We stagger beneath these stones
twice-carved into a covenant
of obligation. We will never know
what tenderness was lost to fury
at the foot of Mt. Sinai. Only Moses
spoke mouth to mouth with God. We gnaw
at the bones of ancient arguments,
swallow stern words transcribed by human
hands. If we could repair what was broken,
there would be gentle promises instead
of recriminations. And no fear to seal
flesh to flesh in the sacrament of devotion.
–Lisa Janice Cohen
From my family to yours, I wish you well, I wish your strength.
Best,
Lisa
Hang in there! It’s amazing how weak you feel when you’re being strong! I am amazed by your strength. I know how hard it is to feel your strength when you feel weak and scared. I just figured out last week that feeling scared and weak doesn’t mean you aren’t strong, just human.
[...] My friend Katie Collins married her love four months ago, with her daughter at her side. Now she finds herself needing to do something none of us should ever have to do: she will go before a public, legislative committee to preserve something private and intimate—her marriage and her family. She wrote about it on her blog, My Imperfect Truth. She says she’s not brave, but I disagree. … [...]